Who am I? I’ve been pondering this question for several weeks now.
Why do I feel so lost?
I feel like I’m torn between two worlds, and I’m not sure which world I truly belong to.
Am I the one who wants to drink every day and just be okay with it, or am I the one who wants to be sober and stop worrying about the drink in my hand?
Who am I?
Me and The Drink?
I started drinking when Co-Vid19 Pandemic hit our nation. I remember the first time I picked up a beer. I got home from work and we were told that we would not be returning to the classroom after the March Break. My anxiety went through the roof and I needed something to calm down. I had a cold beer, then another, then another….and I have been drinking ever since.
I don’t get sloshed on a daily, but I do find myself saying I won’t drink today, and by 3 PM, I’m drinking—same old routines. I did learn to release some of the guilt and shame that I use to have about drinking, though. I don’t care what people think anymore. I just drink. I tell myself that it is normal and I’m just an average drinker, like everyone else around me.
I was sober for 123 days before we were faced with a pandemic that shut down our world.
Then, I picked up the drink, convincing myself to take it easy and not overdo it. I convinced myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic and that I could drink like normal people. Every one drinks around me really, every day. Why could they do it, and not me?
So, I decided that I was going to be just like everyone else. No more guilt. No more shame. Don’t get sloshed. Just drink a couple or a few every day and stop worrying all the time.
For the most part, it works. For the most part.
I’m definitely not as healthy as I was when I was sober. I still run often, but my runs are heavier and shorter, due to being out of shape from drinking and eating. I eat like crap. I sleep like crap. I don’t feel calm or grounded.
Sometimes, I tell myself that I won’t drink today, only to find myself drinking again. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and happy for the most part. I feel this way until about 3 AM when I’m faced with the dries and I wake up to drink water to avoid a hangover. It’s a small price to pay to enjoy the afternoon buzz that I get when I pick up the drink- or is it a big price to pay?
Something just seems to be missing and I can’t figure it out.
The thing I truly miss about sober me is my health. When I quit drinking in the past, I always felt so much healthier, physically, mentally and spiritually.
When I drink, I eat everything and anything. I don’t even think about the food I put in my body, because I’m not thinking about it. Food makes me feel better. I have gained a few pounds, despite the fact that I am running regularly to try and maintain my weight and physique. I have to face reality soon. It’s catching up to me. My metabolism isn’t how it use to be. I drink, eat, run, gain weight.
The part that drives me crazy is that I know that if I put the drink down, I will lose weight and feel good again, in my body, in my skin.
When I’m not drinking, I feel bored, like I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t seem to enjoy the downtime, the quiet world. I should be enjoying this a lot more than I do, but I don’t. I want to clear my mind, be at peace, and I know that I can only do that without the drink in my hand.
If alcohol affects my health so much, why do I keep drinking? Am I an alcoholic? What is an alcoholic anyway?
Why is it that by 3 PM, I find myself with a drink in my hand, knowing that it is affecting my body, mind and soul so much?
I love alcohol! I love how it makes me feel. I love that I don’t have to think or worry or do. I can just relax and be.
Can’t I do this without the drink? I’ve tried. I have tried many times to sit still and enjoy the moment, to be calm and relaxed and healthy.
I have a huge decision to make.
As I said above, over the last several months, I have been pondering being sober or being okay with drinking.
I will be 50 years old in a few months! 50! How do I want to live the second half of my life?
…with a drink in my hand?