Retraining my Mind

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Day 6 of sobriety begins.

I know that getting sober means changing my mindset.

The last few months have been hell and chaos. I actually convinced myself that I was happier and free with a drink in my hand. This mindset consumed me with daily internal conflicts and unruly behaviour.

The cycle began again in March when COVID-19 hit home. I was told that I was not going back to work after March Break (Spring Break)! The first thing I did that day, when I got home, was pick up a drink. I don’t even know where I got the booze. It was just in my hand, just like that. What perfect time to start drinking again, my toxic mind thought.

It didn’t take very long to be back to the same ole gal….the drunk. By 5:00, I find myself fallen into oblivion to the world around me. I don’t care about my health. I don’t care about work. I don’t see many people because I can’t drive anywhere. I stopped running regularly because it interferes with my drinking time. I live a lonely drunk life, just me and my kids, who hang in their rooms because they know I will be “different” by the end of the night.

I go to work every day, and I try really hard to avoid hangovers, but there is always an achy feeling in my body and mind all day long—an unhealthy one.

I bought a book last week, to help me change my mindset. I’m hoping for some kind of miracle.

I came across a post on Facebook with a strong recommendation to read it.

The Magic by Rhonda Byrne

The Magic guides us through 28 days of expressing gratitude for all the blessings that we take for granted.

When I drink, I don’t feel grateful for anything. I just feel angry and desperate. I often say the word “hate.” I am unhealthy and feel disgusting over and over again. I wake up in the morning, tell myself that I’m done drinking, only to find myself with a drink by the time I get home from work.

Here I am, almost 10 months of drunkenness, day after day. Obsessive. Compulsive. Unruly. Tired and exhausted. My body sags, my face is swollen. I know what I have to do.

I want to retrain my mind. It is toxic. It will take work. A lot of work. Moment by moment, I will remain mindful of my thoughts. I will stay in control of them.

The Magic has helped me in more ways than I can say, and I’ve only been reading it for a week! Every morning, I fill my mind with gratitude for all the beauty in my world. I am most grateful for waking up, knowing that I am healthy and sober. The book teaches 28 magical practices (to be done in 28 days), helping me learn how to use gratitude’s magical power to be happier and healthier. I am ready to gain control of my life, once and for all.

Yesterday, after work, my old thoughts consumed me. I wanted to come home and have a drink to unwind.

I was able to change my thoughts and remind myself of how amazing I already feel. I said these words: I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t need the drink in my life.

I went for a 5K run and felt like I was on top of the world. It was one of the best decisions I made in a very long time.

I want to hang on to this feeling.

I will not pick up a drink today!

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