Lotus

on Day 1 Again

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Today, I decided that I would make change happen. I want to be sober. My heart knows that it is exactly what I’m supposed to be. My body knows it and feels it too.

I know this process won’t be easy, but I also know that it will be worth it. I was sober for 365 days once, five years ago, and I know how it feels to be free from the wrath of the drink.

One of the main reasons I need to put the drink away for good is that it is interfering with my health and fitness goals. My anxiety is high. I don’t sleep. I feel like crap on most days and I don’t eat the right foods.

I also run! I love to run! But, drinking on the daily has been impacting my pace and distance these days. I feel so heavy when I run because I’m actually getting heavier. I feel the burden of a hangover on most mornings but lace up my shoes and get out there anyway! I think I’m trying to prove that alcohol isn’t affecting my physical being, but who am kidding anyway?

I got a good run in today. 12.5K, to be exact. It was one of the longest runs I’ve done since CoVid set me off and led me to the drink again.

I don’t really blame CoVid for setting me up for several months of self-abuse and self-neglect. I blame myself. I lost focus for one moment and caved into the craving for a nice cold beer.

In one moment, I forgot that I was powerless over alcohol and that moment brought me back to a cycle of never-ending sleeplessness, anxiety, hangovers and unhealthy living.

What will be different this time?

I have to remain healthy and strong one day at a time and remember what I am fighting for. I am fully committed to my recovery, which means working the steps once and for all, finding a sponsor, going to meetings, read and blog daily and be okay with silence and calm living. (Life has been chaos)

I will be 50 years old soon! 50! I’ve had enough and I want to live the second part of this wonderful life as a sober lady. I want to travel the world and see new places. I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy the simple moments again.

I will also be a grandmother in 9 months. I want to be a sober grandmother so that I can give my children and grandchildren the best gramma in the world! A sober one.

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