Wowzers! It’s hard to believe I’ve made it to day 9. I thought I was on 8 days sober today, but it’s been 9 days! A lot has happened in the last 3 days. It seems like I’ve been so busy. I haven’t even had time to blog. There is so much I want to write about!
Stress is my greatest trigger.
I have been taking a lot of time for myself this week, including some well needed quiet time. I am trying to pay attention to the things that set me off, also known as my triggers. Learning to cope and deal with some of the shit that happens to me, instead of picking up a drink, is something I have to work on!
Stress is my greatest trigger. The moment my body or mind feel any kind of stress is the moment my chest gets heavy and “PANG”, my body goes into full fight mode. Red. That’s the color I see when I stress hits me. This feeling I get sends me straight to the mini bar fridge I have set up in my garage….away from my kids so they don’t know I’m drinking. (They know, but I like to convince myself otherwise). Drinking a nice cold beer or a glass of red wine soothes my insides, almost as much as a cigarette filled with nicotine soothed me when I smoked.
Many things stress me out. As I work through the pain of letting go of alcohol, I am sure I will figure out better ways of dealing with stress. I am learning to breathe. I am definitely going to try to walk away from it. Breathe. Walk away.
My Fear of Bears Has Been Lifted
On Tuesday morning, I woke up to a bear in our garbage outside. I watched him wander around our neighborhood for about 10 minutes. He was a big bear. I have always had a great fear of bears. I’m sure it’s from all of the random stories I see on Facebook about bear attacks. I have always had a vision of a bear coming up behind me while I run and maul me to death.
Anyhow, I gave the animal about an hour before I went outside to clean the mess he left. I was on guard and very nervous. I cleaned up the garbage and walked toward my house. As I turned the corner to get to my backyard, I looked to my left and the bear was standing in the neighbor’s yard, staring at me!! I wanted to run for my door and hide but I didn’t. I stayed there and watched him watch me. He took a step toward me and I shushed him away and told him to get out of here. He didn’t move. I was shaking so much but I didn’t feel scared. I’m not sure why….maybe it was because he just seemed so chill. He walked in slow motion. He didn’t want to cause any harm to me or anyone and I really sensed that. The bear was just hungry. After a few minutes of trying to scare him away, I clapped my hands and off he ran.
When I sit back and think about that moment, I feel like I had a spiritual connection with the black bear. We had a moment. And although running into bears is not something I would want happen to me every day, I don’t feel as fearful to run outside as I once was. If I was hungover at that moment, I don’t think I would have been as present as I was. I am grateful for that.