Day 3 of Sobriety
I am powerless over alcohol! I cannot pick up the first drink and only have that first drink. I cannot be a normal drinker because that first drink ALWAYS leads me to another, then another, then another….and the cycle begins again.
For the longest time, I thought that being powerless over alcohol was an immense sign of weakness for me. I didn’t want ever to say that I am powerless over anything, especially alcohol.
Why would I want to admit weakness over something I love so much?
I will be truly honest with myself here. When I look back to the reality of what happens to my mind, body and soul when I have a drink in my hand, I can say that I don’t like it. I become a different version of myself, and it is not the person I am supposed to be. I know this, and I feel it in my heart, every time I drink, or mostly after I drink!
The reality of my situation is that I am weak when it comes to picking up that first drink. I have no power over it. My mind takes over and convinces me that I will be okay and that I can handle it and maybe even be a “normal” drinker, but the cycle of self-destruction soon begins after that. It’s happened over and over again. Why would I expect different results every single time?
Admitting and accepting the fact that I am powerless over picking up that first drink is a sign of pure strength and honesty. If I can’t remember this every single moment in a day, then I won’t stay sober.
The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Alcoholics Anonymous. P. 22
It takes a lot of self-confidence and a lot of self-reflection to know that I am powerless over picking up that first drink. This is what makes me one strong lady! I am not weak! I know that now. Being aware and conscious on this level gives me the strength I need to get through another day, sober.
I will never be a “normal” drinker
Alcohol affects me differently than the “normal” drinker, and a “normal” drinker could never understand this. I don’t just drink one and I don’t just sip it. I need a case or a whole bottle and I don’t stop until there’s nothing left. I tried oh, how I tried to have just one, but my mind and body want more. Alcohol takes over and I am just …. thirsty, so thirsty for more. I drink till I’m numb or drunk then crash and feel like shit. Sure, I feel great while I’m drinking, it’s the aftermath that makes me different.
The cycle goes like this: I think I’m okay to drink a bit. I drink more than I wanted to. I laugh. I sing at times. I sometimes get loud and obnoxious (according to my kids). I even black-out and forget how I got to bed at times. I wake up with this overwhelming guilt and shame that only an alcoholic could understand. My friends could easily shrug off their hangovers. They talk about the night before and laugh about it. I just can’t! I am bothered all day because I feel like crap, so I pick up another drink to cure my hangover, to heal my pain. And, the cycle begins again.
It’s almost the end of Day 3. There is still a powerful urge for me to have a nice cold beer, I won’t lie. I am craving it badly. I had a nap today, even though it was 30 degrees Celsius, one hot and beautiful sunny day.
But, I’m going to make it. I will not pick up a drink today.
Update: Got in the car with my daughter, went for ice cream, sat by the lake, came home, made a Tik Tok video with her, laughed our faces off. Life is good.