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There comes a time in our lives when we choose to take the road less travelled.
I have had the worst two days ever! The stress level in my life is unbearable. My body has been in full-blown anxiety and the only way I’ve ever known to calm it down is with a drink! So, now what?
While I made supper, I continuously went back and forth in my mind trying to convince myself to break the 100% commitment I’ve made to myself. I keep telling myself that I am not really an alcoholic. I deserve some vino after a shitty day like today. Why is it so damn hard? Why do I crave it so badly? I feel like alcohol is not only going to quench my thirst, it will calm my body and my mind. It does so much for me after such a long day at work.
I also know that if I pick up a drink, I will feel like shit in the morning. The lack of sleep will get to me and I will wake up feeling guilty, dehydrated and exhausted. I almost called in sick just so that I can indulge in some wine without worrying about going to work!
For the past two days, I have been eating like crap….chocolate, popcorn, extra foods, garbage. I know I am eating this way to try to fill the void I am getting from not drinking alcohol. I also know that eating like this, makes me feel tired and anxious. I’m trying to lose weight from not drinking, not gain some.
I have so much work to do.
On another note, I reconnected with an old drinking friend from highschool. We partied so much way back then. The reason I reached out to her is that on her Facebook wall, she wrote that she was sober for one year. This was her post:
1 year today without no drinks. (2 glasses of wine emojis)
I reached out to her! I wanted to know if she struggled with alcohol the way I struggled with it. Why else would she quit drinking? I also wanted to know how she could write a post like that on her FB wall without worrying about all the judgment people may have on her. It seemed so brave! I haven’t asked her yet but she did tell me that she has been sick from drinking too much alcohol.
One day, I will be able to write that I haven’t had a drink for a year. I often wonder if I would be helping one of my friends conquer their own demons by posting something on my FB wall.
But for now, I’m just going to try to make it to 30 days. I know I have to keep this commitment. It will save my life! It just sometimes seems so much bigger than me.