I haven’t had a drink in 5 days. I just looked at my calendar and counted to make sure I wasn’t miscounting.
I feel ready this time.
I have to quit drinking or I will die. I promised myself that I would say that every single day for a whole year (or even longer).
My body is tired. My mind is a mess. My soul is lost.
I have been drinking almost every day for the last 3 1/2 years. I need it and crave it. When I drink, I feel happy. When I don’t drink, I feel bored and depressed.
The longest I have been sober was in 2015. I quit drinking January 1st that year, joined AA, made some amazing friends and had my one-year celebration on January 8th! Here is the post that I wrote one week after my celebration. I can tell that I was falling into the vicious cycle again as I read the end of the post.
I do not want to die.
Here I am. I still feel dehydrated from the 3-day bender I had last week. It wasn’t good. I think my insides are still trying to recover. I do not want Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease or Cirrhosis. I do not want to die.
I had been drinking on most days since my one-year soberversary. And, this past weekend put a real toll on my aging body. This was a “real” bender! I drank my face off! I went out with a friend on Friday night and I drank so much (4 large glasses of wine, 2 margaritas, and I lost count of the number of beer, probable 7-8)! My server actually cut me off! She said, “You’re cut off!” when I tried to order a beer for the last call. Like WTF! I’m 48 years old for Godsakes!
The next two days, I found myself drinking very early….to cure my pain of course. Nothing beats a hangover better than an alcoholic beverage. I was visiting my parents, who are just like me. Something scary happened to me by the end of the 3rd night of drinking.
I was sitting at the table, feeling the palate of my mouth with my tongue. It was 3 am. We had been playing cards for a few hours. Feeling the dryness and the bumps on my palate scared the shit out of me. I actually felt so dehydrated! My body absorbed so much liquid poison during the last 36 hours. I felt like I was destroying my insides. For the next 24 hours, I drank water….lots of water! It seemed like it took forever for my palate to feel normal again. I am on Day 5 today and I still feel dehydrated!
If I do not quit drinking for good this time, I really think I will die. I feel it in my insides. I feel like my liver is crying out to me. My mouth is constantly dehydrated, I am so unhealthy. I am bloated. I don’t sleep. I don’t run like I used to. I feel like crap. My relationship with my children is unhealthy. I’m not well. I want to be well.
I know that this is just the beginning of a very long and tough journey. I know I will be challenged and tempted by all means. I really feel ready. I haven’t had any very “tough” days yet but I think it’s because my body is still ill from last weekend.
Tomorrow is Sunday. I promised myself that I would either buy myself an outfit or pamper myself at a salon on Sundays for the first little while of my sobriety. I have to treat myself. I am saving so much money after all.