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I have been studying Step 1 from the Big Book. It has come up quite often over the last few nights.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
I have been listening to members speak at meetings and I have been reading about the first part of this step for a few days now.
-to be powerless over alcohol
For years, I believed that admitting to being powerless over alcohol meant that I became weak and powerless when I started drinking. In other words, I can’t just have one. I’ve always made sure I had enough booze in my beer fridge to last the entire evening or the weekend. I love the drink. And, on most nights, I am either hiding alcohol from my kids or drinking by myself, hiding from my stress and the world. This was powerless to me.
At a meeting, the other night, one of the members said, “I am powerless over that first drink”. Then, I remembered the night I took my first drink after my one-year soberversary.
I was sitting at The Keg, with a very good friend of mine, and all of these thoughts went through my mind:
- I want a drink
- I’m not really an alcoholic
- I was sober a whole year!
- I deserve it
- I’ll control it better this time
- I’m ready
And, I ordered a cocktail. It was good. Then, I ordered a glass of wine. That was even better. And, I drank for almost 4 years after that. Day after day. Feeling sick, tired, shame and guilt all of the time!
I have an alcoholic mind
This is where the powerlessness comes in! I have an alcoholic mind for God sakes! My mind convinced me that I was ready to drink when I should have known better! I was powerless over that first drink and my mind allowed me to forget about all of the bullshit I go through when I drink. I drink too much! I can’t control it! I get sick, hungover, tired, out of shape, angry, resentful, unorganized and my children feel the toll of all of this!
I forgot! I forgot why I went to AA in the first place. I forgot about all of the friends I made in those meetings! In one moment, everything I had learned in the program was washed away with that first drink! I had one drink, then another, then another until I got to the same place that I was when I first quit drinking years ago!
Sick and Tired!
I am powerless over alcohol. I will always remember this now. I surrender to this fact. I have a disease and I want to recover!