In 2015, I didn’t touch a drink. One whole year sober! I loved my life! Love and joy surrounded me. I had a great support system of sober friends. I had my shit together, on most days. Life was calm and peaceful. I slept well and I loved having zero hangovers. I was at my ideal weight because I exercised and ate healthy foods.
After I received my 1-year chip from AA, I went out drinking again. I have been drinking ever since. Almost 4 years of drinking finds me in the same hell hole that I was in when I quit the first time around.
Over the last couple of months, I have made numerous attempts to quit drinking again. I have been feeling the pains that alcohol brings and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because I am hungover, exhausted and dehydrated, I am sick on most days. I eat like crap to try to absorb some of the alcohol that is in my system. I am always tired, always. My sleep patterns change when I drink. I can’t sleep. To avoid being hungover, my biological clock wakes me up at all hours of the night to drink water, lots of water. I also wake up often because I am full of shame and guilt for drinking again. The constant battle I have with myself to either drink or not finds the same winner. Alcohol. So powerful.
With all of this nonsense, I still do it. I drink.
Alcohol calms me
I have become obsessed with alcohol lately. Maybe you’ve heard the sentence, “Once you quit and go back out, it gets worse.” This phrase reminds of those popular diet fads out there. Once you go on a diet, then eat regularly again, you gain more weight. Well, my drinking definitely got worse. My obsession with beer and wine has been scary lately. I think about it from noon until there’s a drink in my hand. I always make sure I have enough alcohol to get me through the night, and if I don’t, I pick some up after work. If I have no money, I use my Mastercard. I have no money. I feel like the only thing in the entire world that can help me deal with my anxiety and stress is the drink. It is my friend. It is my calm at the end of a long and hectic day. When that first drink goes down my body, I feel its warmth and pleasure. My anxieties and stress leave for a while. And, I’m happy.
My life has been crazy! I have a very stressful job this year. My teenage children are sucking the life out of me. I am unhealthy. I have been unable to reach some of the running goals that I set for myself this year. And, now I have the added stress of trying to quit drinking when it is the only thing that brings me happiness.
Walking through the doors of AA again
Two nights ago, I decided to walk through the doors of AA again. This was probably one of the hardest decisions of my life. I sat in my car for a very long time contemplating going in. I was worried that my old sober friends would be disappointed in me. Would they feel like I deserted them? Would they reject me or forgive me? I feel like such a failure. I got my 1-year chip, then when back out drinking. Who does that?
An alcoholic does that! That’s who!
I went to my third meeting tonight. A few more familiar faces noticed me and came to me with open arms. They are ecstatic that I have returned to the program. No shame. No guilt needed. The connections I made 4 years ago are still there. They will never disappear. One of the members will be celebrating her 5-year soberversary on December 1st and she asked me to read at her celebration!! I feel honoured to be a part of such an amazing group of people, fighting the same thing I am fighting. The power in those rooms is indescribable! (I would have been celebrating 5 years with this lady if I’d have stayed sober with her)
I look forward to really studying the steps this time around. These meetings and all of the people that support, share and love each other are exactly what I need! I want what they have. I plan on doing everything in my power to get it again!