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The last couple of days have been a test to my willingness to get sober. I’ve been fighting off my addictive thoughts, a lot of them. They are trying to convince me that I wasn’t that bad of a drinker. I cried a lot yesterday. Maybe I am grieving over the loss of something I loved so much.
Trying to deal with my teens without a drink in my hand, has some challenges. When I got angry with my kids in the past, I would hold on to resentments for several days and not talk to them. I would avoid having conversations with them because they would make me feel guilty for drinking. Nothing I said was good enough. So, I said nothing a lot of the time.
Yesterday, I was able to do something different. I was upset with my daughter all day. I knew I had to go to a meeting last night because my anxiety was very high. It was a great decision. When I got back home, I was able to have a calm conversation with her about our issues. I spoke calmly, she listened. It was a very uplifting moment for me! Everything in that instant changed for me as her mom. I know I can’t take back all of the years I neglected to have decent conversations with her about the realities of life. That’s something I cannot change. I can only move forward from this moment on, and be the best that I can be in the future.
Being a mom is hard work. But, I am such a different mother when I don’t drink. I am confident when I speak to my children and a lot more calm. They respond to me differently. They can’t say, “you’ve been drinking mom” anymore. I use to cringe when they would say those words to me. The shame and guilt I felt as a mom destroyed a small part of me, every single time I picked up a drink in front of them.
At the meeting last night, a man spoke. He said, “Don’t keep coming back to these meetings. Just stay here.” I can still hear his voice. It was so soothing and calm. I want to stay here. Sober. Calm. Healthy. Serene. It’s a beautiful place to be.