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I haven’t thought about alcohol that much in the last few days. I have small cravings once in a while, but they pass on by very quickly. Going back to my old ways is not an option for me. Knowing that I am powerless over that first drink makes me feel a little stronger. I know that I cannot pick up a drink today!
If I pick up a drink, I will find myself going through the same cycle of BS that I go through every time I drink. I don’t want it anymore. I want more to my life than the drink.
You should know that when I drink, I have a lot of fun. People like it when I’m around them. I laugh, I dance, I sing, I spread my joy and make people laugh, I have a blast! Drinking helps me to loosen up and feel comfortable wherever I go. I have no fears and no anxiety at any social event. I am always the life of the party!
Why do I want to quit drinking then?
Although I have fun at social events, I find myself dealing with shame and guilt when I drink. I don’t feel good about it. I don’t like feeling ill from drinking too much. At the end of the night, after a party, I find myself coming home to a nightcap to unwind and relax. I either fall asleep on the couch or I get myself to bed somehow. Why did I drink so much? I should have had more water, I tell myself.
When I don’t go out socially, I spend most nights drinking by myself, hiding booze from my kids. I promise myself to only have one or two to unwind after work, but I always find myself drinking more. I sometimes stop drinking at 8 pm, so that I’m not hungover in the morning. My stomach still turns. Sometimes, I pass out on the couch.
When I go to bed for the night, I usually fall asleep quickly. I wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning, every single night! It is so frustrating! I spend hours tossing and turning, drinking water, going to the bathroom, thinking of what I said or done to my kids the night before. I sometimes lay there and wonder how I even got to bed.
Every morning, I wake up tired and anxious about the day to come, mad at myself for not getting enough sleep or for drinking more than I wanted. I go to work feeling nauseated, exhausted and bloated! I tell myself over and over again that it is the last time I drink.
For lunch, I eat fast-food to absorb some of the alcohol in my system. And, all afternoon, I am excited to get home so that I could drink to feel better about myself and “cure” my hangover.
Then, the cycle begins again.
I hid alcohol from my kids but they always knew when I drank. My son found empty bottles around the house. He would get so mad and said he’d rather I not hide it. I didn’t believe him. My kids don’t like it when I drink. They say I “change” when I am drinking. I deny it. Their father told them that I was an alcoholic all of their childhood lives, so of course, they hate alcohol. I always deny it and I assure them that I am a very normal “adult” drinker. They are disappointed every time they see me drink. I could see it in the way they look at me. They sometimes avoid me and stay in their rooms. And, the guilt and shame set in. I haven’t told them about my quest for sobriety. I have a fear of disappointing them again.
Alcohol has incredible power over my mind, body and soul.
Drinking had become my obsession over the last few months. It was all I could think about during the day. The drink had incredible power over my mind, body and soul. I became exhausted in every form of life, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am tired of feeling sick and tired. This is why I need to quit. I want to be in control of my life. I want to be free!
Today, I am having a quiet celebration. I feel amazing. I am reading the Big Book daily. It is helping me see my life as a spiritual being. I don’t want to see darkness any longer. When I drank, it was dark. I know I have a lot of work to do and a lot of obstacles to overcome. I am ready for a new, healthy life.
Someone said the following at a meeting the other night:
Why do we do the same things over and over again, expecting different results?Norm, AA
Very powerful words.