Today, I had dinner with some old friends. I had no interest in going all week, but today I decided to be there. For some reason, I feel like for the last 4 times I quit drinking, isolation worked for me. I didn’t want to be around anyone. But this time, I feel like I need to do things differently. I have to do things differently because I haven’t been able to break this addiction yet.
The tagline for my blog is “A woman’s quest to finding her true identity without a drink in her hand.” How am I ever going to find my true identity if I don’t get social without a drink in my hand? Could I laugh? Could I still make people laugh? Am I going to be good enough, loud enough, cool enough?
This party girl was the bomb. She was the life of the party! If Jeannette wasn’t there, the party didn’t exist kinda thing.
There was always so much pressure on me. As long as I was drinking, everyone else could drink. As long as I was loud, everyone else could be loud too. I drank. Boy, did I ever drink. People around me drank too. I thought they did….but after tonight I have to take a step back and wonder …
When I got to the restaurant, I was greeted with hugs and kisses. I hadn’t seen these friends in a few months so it was nice to feel some loving.
For dinner, I ordered water and a chicken salad. Three out of the five friends ordered a beer, one of them ordered a pop and the other ordered water too. Did you read that correctly? Three of them ordered a beer….as in one! Were they not drinking because I wasn’t drinking…..or….were they not drinking because they normally don’t need to have three large glasses of wine before, during and after supper, like me?
Have I been oblivious in thinking that everyone else drank as much as I did?
I sat there and watched everyone mingle for a few minutes. It was nice to mingle along and have great conversations. I actually felt comfortable and happy and confident and fun…..all without a drink in my hand. Maybe it helped that nobody was getting sloshed in front of me, but I really had a good time. This whole evening is making me question so many things about myself.
Have I been oblivious in thinking that everyone else drank as much as I did? Do I drink so much that I don’t always notice that I’m the only one doing it? Do most people have one or two and are good with that? How many times did I sit a restaurant with friends and drink my face off while they ordered pop or water? So many questions.
I learned a little about myself tonight. I am cool and funny. People listened to me when I told them stories. They laughed and said I was still crazy and nuts! Phewf! I’m still nuts! I like it, especially because I’m seeing that people still like me and want to be with me, even without a drink in my hand. They didn’t even ask me why I wasn’t drinking!
I look forward to meeting friends again. I wish that it will always be this easy. I’m sure that I will have to face some of them while they’re boozing it up one day, at a party or a celebration.
I just have to remember to keep being me. Nuts, crazy, wild and free….me. Sober.