Day 2 of Sobriety
Acceptance is the key to all of my problems. Only when I accept what is, can I be set free. This is my truth.
Today, as I begin day 2 of my recovery program, I reflect on my life. I must take a few minutes to reflect on the reasons I picked up a drink in the first place, after another long period of sobriety. I have to learn from this mistake to avoid it from happening again.
I think back to the moment the sizzle of an ice-cold beer went through my body and how it made me feel. It was good….so good. I can hear my mind playing the tape, again and again, telling me I was normal, telling me I was NOT an alcoholic. You deserve this. You can drink like ordinary people. It’s stressful times. You need to unwind.
All the progress and all that I had learned while I was living sober dissipated in an instant.
Gone. Just like that. No more peace. No more serenity. No more healthy me. I forgot all about the step work, I deserted my AA friends, and all the progress I had made during my recovery was abandoned. I never even thought about any of that, not even once.
I tried to convince myself that I was going to be a “normal” drinker. I was going to let go of the shame and guilt and hope that everyone around me could just let me be. I knew I wanted to get my shit together and get better control over my drinking this time. I didn’t want to be trapped in the mental obsession again. So, I promised myself to work hard and not to overdo it!
Before I knew it, I got caught up in the obsession of wanting the next drink. Immediately. There wasn’t a “slow into drinking alcohol process” or “drink on weekends only” kinda thing. It sure didn’t take me long to find myself trapped in a constant battle of tug of war that I only knew, oh, so many times.
If you are like me, you know exactly what I am talking about. My mind, body and soul are not “okay” when I drink. They are under self-destruction and have to endure the wrath of selfish me, selfishly obsessed with getting my next drink! It didn’t matter who I hurt, or who was in my way. I mattered and I wanted to drink!
Drinking made me feel good!
Don’t get me wrong, when I am drinking, I feel great! I feel fantastic like I’m on top of the world. Nothing can break me. Nobody can hurt me. I am confident. I am alive and wild and happy and free. I even feel better when I am trying to cure my hangover. You know how it is, “bite the dog that bit you.” Who invented that expression anyway? Well, I did it, day after day.
The problem only happens AFTER I drink. You know that feeling? -wake up at 3 am wondering how I got to bed -restlessness begins -thirsty -can’t sleep -guilt -shame -what did I do -what did I say -was I too loud -wake up with a hangover only to tell myself I’m not going to drink today. Then bam! I’m doing it all over again.
The constant fighting in my mind is real and exhausting. To drink or not to drink is a question I face daily. A part of me just wants to be a “normal” drinker and fit in. And, a part of me knows I want to be sober!
It’s time to face the truth about this disease and how it affects my life.
I am an alcoholic. Period.
I have worked the steps in the past. I know how it feels to be sober. It’s beautiful. It’s refreshing. It’s empowering. Why do I keep going back to the drink then? Why do I slip up and relapse?
As much as I have learned to accept the fact that I’m an alcoholic in the past, every time I quit drinking, something happens to me that is allowing me to slip up. For a moment, I forget! I forget what I’m fighting for. I forget that this cycle will always end in the same results. And, as much as I think that I can be better at it, at drinking, I CAN’T!
Before I know it, the same old patterns come back
I can’t be a “normal” drinker because when alcohol enters my mind, body and soul, it takes over like a twister coming down from the sky. The obsession begins immediately. Nothing changes. Nothing. The cycle of daily drinking and hangovers come back and there’s nothing I can do about it!
I have to accept the fact that I cannot drink. I cannot pick up one drink and I cannot drink like “regular” people who drink. I have a mental, destructive obsession with alcohol and it changes me. It turns me into someone that I just do not want to be.
Every time I picked up a drink after being sober for a while, it was because I forgot about the steps and the work I did to get sober. I forgot how liberating sobriety was and how beautiful the world is. I forget how amazing I feels to be sober and free. Most importantly, I forget that I am powerless over picking up that first drink! I forget that I just can’t drink as others do. I have to accept this! I have to remember it!
I need to remain conscious of my thoughts
When I hear the chatter in my mind telling me to pick up a drink and convincing me that I deserve a nice cold beer or glass of wine, or when I feel the craving come on as quick as a racehorse, I have to be aware of what is happening! I have to continuously remain conscious of my thoughts, my emotions and my reasons for getting sober. I have to remember that every time I go back to the drink, I GET THE SAME RESULTS! I’ve been fighting this for years now, on and off for months at a time. The same battle, the same consequences, and I end up losing a part of my soul.
I accept the truth about myself
- I am an alcoholic
- I cannot drink like others
- I don’t like the feeling I get from drinking (after the drinking)
- I like peace, calmness and serenity
- I want to be healthy and clean
- I want to be alive
- I want to be sober and live my life to the fullest
- I must remain fully conscious and present in my life